You’re not an [insert expletive]… you just communicated like one

AlexiaCommunication, Leadership, Women's Issues

Normally, if my husband Steve said something like this to me, I’d be devastated. But a few weeks ago, they were the EXACT words I needed to hear.

Earlier that day I was feeling a little battered and bruised after one of my webinars. I had been really off of my delivery game. Not only had I used a lot of filler words like “um” and “right”, but I also spoke multiple sentences that literally made no sense.

It was an important webinar, I had an audience of 200+ people, and I bungled it.

When I told Steve I felt like an [insert expletive], the one that is another name for a donkey, he was wise enough not to tell me I was wrong. Instead he reminded me of something I say all of the time to my clients.

You are not a poor communicator. You are just behaving like one.

No matter how adept we get at our communication, we are always going to have moments where we are off our game. Whether that means we are long-winded, we forget to smile and make eye contact, or we are downright nasty with our words, the sooner we can own our flub ups as communication blunders rather than personality defects, the easier it will be for us to reset and move on. Without repeat them.

One of the areas where a lot of people are extra prone to communication mishaps is in our conversations with our mates. My parents are divorced. And while I enjoy rock solid relationships with both of them, my default relationship communication setting is to flip flop between what I observed in my childhood. I alternate between stuffing down my thoughts and emotions and spewing venom when pushed to what feels like a breaking point.

Fortunately, I found my soul mate pretty early in life. One of the reasons I knew he was my forever before I had even earned my college degree was because of the ease with which we communicated. We are a work-in-progress, like any couple, and to this day (and we’ve been together over 13 years) I know that many of my worst communication mistakes will come out with him if and when we are having a heated conversation.

And, given that I’m just a few weeks away from launching my virtual group coaching program, Your Spotlight Workshop, you better believe emotions in my house are up, sleep is down and the capacity for conflict is at an all time high. Throw into the mix a full slate of private clients, SUV issues and some travel and, well, thank goodness one of my clients is Dr. Shawn Haywood.

Do you like that segue?

Truly, I only take on private speaking clients who I know I can learn and grow from as the best coaching and mentoring relationships for me (and for my clients) are reciprocal.

Shawn is a masterful couples coach. She believes that when couples are inspired, adventurous, connected and communicating with vulnerability and care that the planet becomes a better place for all of us. Shawn and her husband Chris have been traveling the world for over a year in a 187 square foot Airstream, and they are co-facilitating an intimate Fall Back in Love with Your Marriage retreat this fall for 6 couples that want to create more freedom and expansion in their marriage. (Airstream not required.)

From building playful and practical tools for communicating effectively in everyday and high stakes situations (including how to back out of potentially explosive conversations before they escalate) to how to set and achieve realistic (and sometimes even outrageous) marriage goals and heal old marriage wounds, Shawn and Chris are co-creating a phenomenal weekend.

I’m incredibly passionate about what Shawn is birthing, and if you are interested in learning more about Shawn’s relationship coaching, you can grab her Soul Mate Rescue Plan and check out the retreat details here.

I’ve also got some other opportunities you may be interested in—with me and with another one of my colleagues. More details below!

**Dial-Up Your Transformational Leadership**

  1. I’ve been teasing you off and on for the last 3 months with information on Your Spotlight Workshop. It’s an 8-week virtual group coaching program for visionary leaders and entrepreneurs who want to develop the mindset, marketing and facilitation moves to lead workshops and live events that are equal parts profitable and transformational. On August 6, I’m hopefully wetting your appetite for the program by releasing my FREE Workshops That Wow 3-part video series. In it I will break down how to activate your skills as a workshop leader, the key considerations for making workshops profitable, and how to ensure that your workshops are epic events. If you want to receive access to this training, you MUST sign-up for the free series here.


  1. I’m expanding my social media outreach. First, I joined Periscope! (In case you haven’t heard of this new social media platform, or you have and you are completely puzzled, Periscope is a live video streaming application from Twitter that lets you watch and broadcast live video from around the world—and respond to real-time questions and comments.) You can download the app here and follow me @AlexiaVernon. I’ve been “Scoping” about how to settle your nerves when speaking, how to book your first or next speaking gig, and during the Your Spotlight Workshop launch I’ll be doing a bunch of Q+A broadcasts. Scopes are only archived for a couple of days, but if you follow me you can select to receive updates whenever I do another broadcast so you don’t miss any free content.

I’ve also decided to create one central online Facebook community for us to deepen our conversation. You are cordially invited to the Spotlight Speakers Salon. From new regional and national speaking opportunities, to tips to preparing a speaking submission or pitch, to links to soul-stirring talks from the TED, TEDx and Creative Live communities, to great locations to host your workshops and retreats, the Spotlight Speakers Salon will be your place on Facebook to connect with me and a tribe of other transformational speakers and event leaders. If the Spotlight Speakers Salon is, well, speaking to you, you can join us here.

  1. Okey dokey, I also am excited to share with you my mamapreneur pal, Hillary Rubin, and her FREE Breakthrough to Coaching Experience. Whether you have been toying with the idea of getting trained as a coach or you are a coach and are looking for inspiration and tips from some of the industry’s most masterful coaches, in Hillary’s series you’ll hear from 15+ coaches on how they have built and scaled their coaching businesses. Sign-up here. (Note: I am an affiliate of this program. This means that if you choose to make a purchase from Hillary I will receive a commission. I’ve known Hillary for 4 years, seen her at work as a coach, and I’m incredibly impressed with the program she has created.)

***One last thing… I thought you might get a kick out of knowing that somebody from the webinar I mentioned earlier reached out to me with a big opportunity while I was writing this to you. Yet another reminder that even when we think our communication is sub par, it may not be quite as messy as we thought it was.